When I think about last year, I see myself at the beginning glowing with optimism. Life was wonderful.  I had just gotten married, bought a house, great job, wonderful husband, good friends, and loyal family. Life couldn’t seem to get any better. I felt that I was living the American Dream, opportunities available for all those who wanted them and worked for them. Life was good! …. Until, I fiound myself in the midst of the great awakening of 2021 …

Part of this awakening is looking at our humanity. When I talk about humanity, I am talking about beings who have awareness in all things; reflective, intuitive and cognitive. Dalpe believes that it is the abstract that makes us human (Dalpe, 2018). For me, humanity is all about the individual rooted to the natural world; curious, creative and naturally technological. What makes us human is not in our technical applications, per se, but in our ability to form synergistic symphonies with millions of year’s of evolutionary systems innate within our own being; each one being exceptionally unparalleled at what they do.  To have humanity is to find the balance between all of our evolutionary extremes, and shine where we can shine; in our own unique and creative way.  As so eloquently stated, “where reason is balanced perfectly by feelings and where mind and body come together in perfect unity, a whole new quality emerges, a quality that is neither feeling nor reason, but something deeper and more complete” (Ventegodt , Andersen, et. al).  Being Human is having an awareness of ourselves, in all that makes us unique, the good and bad, and through this awareness find our deepest joy of being alive – the symphony of life.

Unfortunately, one of our greatest human attributes, ‘en-framing’, is also our own demise. Humans need to understand what the relationship with technology does to their humanity. As with other human attributes, there needs to be a balance. As Martin Heidegger states, “The relationship will be free if it opens our human existence to the essence of technology”. Once understood, humans “shall be able to experience the technological within its own bounds”, i.e., having tech work for them and not overtake them (Heidegger), thus averting the supplantment of their humanity.

For generations, Humans have moved, either intentionally or un-intentionally, from being a harmonious self-aware individual to that of an unbalanced idiosyncratic human with fervor of for their technological self. Take for example, the current onslaught to get “the shot”, and the abounding scientific renditions, and political plays surrounding the shot and the rush of those to get it. Not only are there big questions of the ethics behind it, but there are so many unanswered questions as so the future consequences. Does it help humans or hinder, does it change our DNA, is their shedding from those that are “vaccinated” and if so does it attack the unvaccinated, does the shot cause sterilization, does it affect the brain with magneto nano particles or biosensors, create 5G distortions, remove creativity (Dalpe). Does it change your behavior, our entire genome (Tennpenny)? What would humans look like in 2 years’ time, 10 years, or 500 years?  How is our evolutionary trajectory changed by this and other subsequent shots?

Yes, this is the most dangerous time in our existence. Not because, of our social, environmental or economic concerns, but we, as humans, are rapidly being instrumentality transformed into biotechnology. So rapidly, in fact, that it will change humanity on the most basic level. And if we don’t learn to balance tech, without it controlling us, we will forever be change us on an evolutionary level.

Up until this point in time there was still hope. Although each generation was being prepped for this technocratic course via chemtrails, fluoridation, injected chemicals, radiated foods, prescription drugs, behavior modification, etc., our human biological systems had a way to flush it and overcome these obstacles by our natural immunities to the onslaught.

Humans are slowly stripping the layers of self-awareness away. Ironically, this leaves us fighting for or own self-identify and a sense of purpose, which we had to begin with but is now lost to us. We now try to fill the void with more tech, drugs, immediate gratification, psychobabble, therapy, hate, consumerism, and want-a-bees. We lost the well rounded, curious and robust nature of ourselves. And the further we get from our humanity, the more confused and inhumane we become.  The more confused and inhumane we become, the less we know how to find our way back and the more psychotic our society becomes.

I have now got my eyes wide open, it is apparent that we are now at the tipping point where individuals must decide if humanity is worth fighting for. It is a human-technocratic dilemma, one of our own making.  The dilemma is, do we fight, or do we rip out out humanity completely, thus evolving us into a Humtechian, as you will?  For once we start down this path, there is no going back, ever.

To be human is partially to understand our place in and around own universe, to experience life in all its colors and all its potential. To celebrate our diversity as individuals. To find strength in ourselves, to celebrate our humaneness – the awe of being alive, delving into our abilities as individuals and the thrill of discovery. Let’s go back to what it means to to truly be ‘human’.

References

Dalpe, Edmund. Dream Duet

Heidegger, Martin. The Question Concerning Technology, Source: The Question Concerning Technology (1977), pp 3–35

Ventegodt S, Andersen NJ, Kromann M, Merrick J. Quality of life philosophy II: what is a human being? ScientificWorldJournal. 2003 Dec 1;3:1176-85. doi: 10.1100/tsw.2003.110. PMID: 14646012; PMCID: PMC5974854.

It is as if I was here, but not. I felt like I was going through the emotions of daily life but had a disconnect to it. Cliche, I know. But, for me, there was an overwhelming realization that my childhood security was gone. Mom, who cradled me in her arms when I was sick, as well as being my confidant, and my sounding board, was gone. I cried, knowing that I would no longer hear her voice giving me advice. Whether good or bad, she loved me unconditionally – for when it really mattered most, she was there – to help weather the emotional storms.

My husband devotedly has been by my side during my grieving process, yet the depth of my grief was all absorbing, thereby creating a rift between us. I refused to allow anyone in, including him –the only one who has been the most supportive during this grieving process. Yet, I was determined to grieve the life I had with my mother alone; as the relationship that I had with her was exclusively mine. A life deeply bound, not only by my childhood, or the 10 years of taking care of her at home, but also with a magical and soulful connection to her now that she is gone, –which cannot be felt or understood by anyone else.

Care-giving Was Not In My Life Plans

The care, and then the untimely and angered death of my mother, quickly brought to the forefront I and my husband’s own life ending fears. We chatted for endless hours on how the system failed her and how the much her children meant to her in her time of need. My care-giving role with my mother was not something that I applied for – it was something that slowly progressed over the years. It started off with small things like, “when you are at the store pick me up a carton of milk” to “can you vacuum the rug before you leave”. As years passed, I found myself sorting out moms meds and making sure she went to all of her doctors appointments. Still more years and I found myself counseling her on daily activities, paying bills, comforting her on her independence loss struggles, and making sure that she ate and cleaned herself. Eventually I quit my job to take care of her full time.

It just happened, without forethought – it was as natural as breathing. I took the lead and became in charge of my moms emotional, health and financial well being and took on the serious roll of making sure that she was not taken advantage of by the health care industry or by the current societal social isolation craze of COVID.

Being the first born and a female, there was an unsaid and underlying expression of expectation that I would take on this care-taking role in the future. However, it was not always so apparent to me when I was younger. I was very independent and most often went my own way throughout life not wanting anything to do with my parents. Visiting her and my dad once every so often was the norm – and I was happy with that. Later in life, this youthful independent excursion became a sore subject with my siblings, as I now know that they often felt a sense of abandonment. It seems that they counted on me more than I realized. This issue often came to the forefront at family gatherings when I tried to rally “the troops” into helping to care for our mom. “Lori you were never there.” “Lori you were off having fun and left us alone”. True some of it was sibling pet peeves, but when it really came down to it, I was the one who could handle the bulk of our mother’s extensive handicap and emotional needs later in her life.

An Emotional Roller Coaster

Mom, who was born in 1940, became known as “Plucky Patty” due to her uncanny ability of being “high spirited and cheerful” in the most extreme of circumstances. She was most proud of her ability to live a ‘normal’ life after her leg was amputated at the young age of 7 in 1947. Her words, not mine. She wanted to be normal so bad that later in life, when she could no-longer do things we take for granted, and her body began to breakdown, mom often neglected herself and left others in the dark about her true medical and emotional needs. Mom was always good at hiding her most inner feelings and medical needs. The once active and spitfire girl began to fade and mom became depressed and wheelchair bound, only to end up in extreme daily pain from severe arthritis in her hands, arms, feet, back, legs and neck.

As I look back to those care-giving years spent with my mother, I sadly realized that I denied my husband the greatest of possibilities – children. This doubled my grief and created emotional storms between my husband and I, along with anger issues with other family members; which, given time, I hope to recover from. However, there still lies an underlying sadness on all sides– not only towards each other by decisions that were made, but also towards the loss of children and a future that will never be.

Moms care-taking created an emotional roller coaster. In the first place, full time care of an elderly parent takes a toll on a caretakers health and mental well-being. There was no way to hold town a full time job outside of care-giving.

When I first started taking care of mom I lacked important information about her health and medical needs. I had to spend hours researching her disease, looking over her medical records, looking up dietary needs and making special dinners that were balanced. I talked with and went to all of her doctors appointments – making sure she was not dismissed or misunderstood. Often times I found doctors prescribed medications that interacted with her other health issues – which I had to often bring to light (after researching each). For example; prescribing drugs that would aggravate her kidney disease – because they did not check her history before prescribing. I also had to fight for her rights to refuse the COVID shots as the doctors were pushing it – even without it being tested with the elderly population. It was amazing how little the doctors know about elder care. However, we did finally found one, who was a godsend. With others concerns were often ignored for most elderly patients. Most times it was pop another pill, sit them in a chair and let them be. Yep, that just about covers it. Most times for me it was fighting the system to get the care that mom wanted and needed.

Secondly, taking care of my mom absorbed me completely. It was a full time job; one that had me on autopilot. I lived, breathed and spent all of my time providing care to my mom; one crisis to another, playing games with her to keep her active and happy and counseling her so she does not become depressed. I felt my life was on hold and everything was up in the air because of my care-giving responsibilities. But I did not know how to stop or balance out the care-taking role with my mom with my own husband/family needs. So, I often came home after a long day at moms mentally and physically exhausted. Only to start another day of the same care tomorrow. It wasn’t so much a conscious choice, but one driven by unconditional love of my mom, along with her wishes to remain at home, the circumstances of me working remotely, and not having any kids at the time. It was also in my siblings persuasive voice of needing to relieve themselves of the enormous task in taking care of our mother by psychologically persuading me to do it with statements like, “you don’t have any kids, so you can do it.”, “you have no responsibilities and I do …” or “you owe us”. Being the oldest and a caretaker, did not help my situation, as my brothers and sisters could just pickup and leave, expecting me to pickup the slack.

Thirdly, it wasn’t something that happened overnight. My care-giving tasks and responsibilities increase with time. At the time, I wanted to do it all – I felt I had to. But felt there was no recognition for such an act, unappreciated with all of my efforts – by my husband, and other family members.

My natural instincts was a desire to “be everything” with my mom. Yet by doing so, it resulted with me giving up my own life, resulting in physical health decline and emotional distress. The stress of making the right choices in another one’s care was tremendous. Especially someone that you deeply love, that is depending on you and is a parent. Adding to the stress was the anger between my husband and I, and my siblings and I and the anger between my siblings and my husband. Main goal was to keep all of this stress away from my mother – which created more stress.

Not once, did I ask for help. I just plowed away and kept going. Don’t ask me how, I just did.

Working Through the Grief

So now, months after her death, and in reflection, there is a timely concern about the future care of my husband and I when we have no children and no support group. Yes, believe it or not, we survived. Anxiety over the future has now gotten us asking the most important of questions, ‘what is going to happen to us as we get older and age’ and ‘who is going to be there and act in our interests when we need help the most’. Mom had me. But again the fault of my mother’s care-taking cutting away at the possibilities for my own family and our future care is undeniably mine. There is no guilt for taking care of her, but only in that it let it so absorb me that I sacrificed my own family and my future for her care. Now I have to live with this sacrifice.

Undeniably, there are many feelings that still overwhelm me; the loss of identity, self punishment, regret, betrayal, rejection, un-surety, and loss of future all add to the grief. Each day feels like I just exist. Where do I fit in? Who am I? What do I do with my life? How do I make an impact? Who is going to be speaking up for me when I get old?

My mother had four children – proud of each and every one of them. At times I hear how people just want to have abortions and and get rid of children – using it as a contraceptive. I don’t think they realize that they are losing their chance for a support group later on in life. How disposable children seem at times. But how much I would give to have at least one. Women with children do not know how special they are to have children.

So, in 30 years, if I am a widow, who will really care about me to look after my interests. My brothers and I are strained and my sister and I are opposites in our health care thinking, nieces and nephews are non-existent. There is no one who will care about me. Especially now, during the COVID scare – creating unnecessary issues of loneliness and isolation in the lives of our elderly populations.

End of Part I. 

Balancing individual needs while working as a team player can be extremely exhausting, and, finding a balance between both (ying and yang), seems almost impossible. One thing is, is that I find myself always struggling to find time for just ‘me’. That is, until recently, when, I decided enough is enough and I started to take back control of my own life.

The turning point for me came down to realizations;

1. that if, I remained in this state of unbalance for any extended time, I would end up like many others before me, who, have, become bitter; neglecting themselves (physically and mentally) playing the passive role, rather than an equal one. Giving in, rather than, question and assert their rights within their family, work, and societal circles.
2. that my nature is both a blessing and a curse. Knowing that my nature can put my self in jeopardy; i.e., taken for a ride (whether intentional or not) by all those around me. How not to let them, but keeping the relationship intact, was important. It all comes down to being a fine line between letting others take advantage (being part of the team) and keeping my individualism. In order to maintain the balance, I realized that I had to set my own rules; and follow through – with tact and understanding, but also firmness of course.

My husband once said to me, that ‘finding oneself’ is as easy as saying ‘no’. I have no problem saying, ‘no’. But personally I think it is much more complicated than that. At least for me. I say no, but then the groupthink, compliant and care-taking side of me takes over, the guilt sets in and I give it up anyway. Which creates even more tension, – as I feel guilty for feeling guilty – and because it is not what I want to do. Round I go. For me, it is the conflict between my inherent nature to be ‘a pleaser’ alongside my tendency to ‘just wanting to be left alone’. Both are often at odds with each other, also creating enormous tension within myself, which reflects in my interactions with my family, work, and society in general. It is almost like the Jeckle/Hyde scenario; where I am ‘calm and loving’ then quickly turn to ‘leave me alone if you know what is good for you’ attitude. It took me a a long time to find that happy balance tween the two – finally finding that inner peace.

As not to get too much into the philosophy behind individualism vs collectivism, as that discussion will be archived for later, I just wanted to mention an observation, that it seems that persons who have a compliant and/or groupthink disposition appears to be inherently feminine. I know it seems sexist, but just wanted to put it out there.  Maybe there is something to that female/male, yin/yang thinking.  Check out my next blog for this philosophical discussion.

Back to realty, into what I did to get my mojo back ….  .   First things first. Lots and lots of inner reflection. In order to do this, I had to strongly request that I have some quality time to myself. Family members need to understand that you need this to find strength and balance. Work will have to realize that A few hours a week, just mine, undisturbed. Scheduled time was important. Whether, I laid in bed reflecting, went out to the movies with friends, or just read a book, — or in my case, meditation and writing — is important. This not only helped me recharge my batteries, but it also helped me to think clearly. 

Secondly, my dreams were the