As you know, it is not easy to adopt a pet and you will need to know the right answers to ask yourself before you make that leap in adding another mouth to feed in your home. There are many reasons why people, like yourself, may choose to adopt. It can be a way to prepare for parenthood, a loving and playful companion, to relieve stress, or specialized placement for people who have specific needs or lifestyles. I even heard one potential parent, say that the pet went well with her curtains. Ugh!

Regardless of the why, choosing to adopt a pet has all sorts of stressful, yet exciting, feelings! Although excitement abounds in the idea of having a new pet (the cuddling, the cuteness, the newness of it all), one must remember that it is not for the immediate gratification of having a new kitten or puppy but a life long commitment. They are with you for life. Are you ready? Have you done your research?

There are a few questions one must ask when looking to adopt a pet.

     How do you envision your life in 10 years?

• Pets can live 15+ years, so envisioning how your life will be in the future is very important. As I mentioned, adoption is for life, so consider whether you’re likely to be married, have children, move, change careers or undergo other major life changes.
• How will you help your pet cope with these life changes as you and your pet go through them? How will you deal with medical issues with your pet? Are you prepared to pay for upcoming vet bills, to keep your pet safe? Keep in mind that as pets age, their needs will change as well.

    Are you adopting the pet with someone else?

• Make sure that everyone is on board with adopting a new pet. And even if everyone is on board with the idea of getting a pet, it’s important for all in the household to express concerns ahead of time.

How much time can you devote to your pet each day?

• All pets require time and attention. Though dogs generally require more time and attention than other pets, you should be able to give your pet at least two hours of personal love and attention per day.
• Also, think about energy levels. How much energy does your pet require? Are you able to keep up? Do you need an older less active pet?
• What about daily routines? Are always away from home? Do you travel? Do you come home late at night and drop down in front of the TV?
• All pets need and deserve real engagement with their families, such as playing and walking, in addition to cuddles and snuggles. If you find that you are out, more than home — and the pet cannot travel with you — maybe a pet is not for you.

Can you afford to own an animal?

Outside of the cost to get the pet, pet owners should expect to spend about $1000 on vet bills (spaying, neutering, vaccines, health checkups, etc.) and $2000+ on food, toys, training classes and other items for their pet during the first year of ownership. Also, contemplate costs that may be coming down the line. For example, pet injuries, pet medical equipment and diagnosis, boarding, pet insurance, buying special or premium pet food? Realizing that as pet’s get older the more care they will need.

Do you have support groups in place?

What will happen to your pet when you are away. What happens to your pet, if you get pet allergies, are working late, traveling, or if something happens to you? Many pet owners have problems as a result from not having a reliable system in place to take care of pets in these situations. Before you adopt a pet, you may want to put into place daycare plans or support in these situations and have your trustworthy ‘best buddies’ support network group lined up to help when you need help in a pinch.

The Young and Restless.

How much household destruction can you tolerate?

• Pets have accidents, they destroy items in your house. As a pet owner, you must understand that accidents are a given when you bring a pet into your life.
• How prepared are you? Can you handle the cleanup and costs associated with destruction? Do you have the patience to figure out the problems behind the behavior? Or do you plan on returning the pet as soon as something is destroyed?
• There are any number of reasons why pets act out. Young pets need potty training, they go through teething, etc. Older pets have a hard time holding and have to go often.
• When pet’s get sick they act out by urinating out of the kitty box. Bored pets act out and chew on everything to release the energy. Some of it has to do with training; i.e. garbage raiding.
• Some of it is a medical problem. There are also behavior problems through misunderstandings and  miscommunications.

Do you have the patience to understand your pet’s needs?

• A pet who has the attention of their owner, who knows what their pet’s need, is happier — and so is the family.

Adding more than one pet to a household.

• The good news is that most pets, crave companionship — multi-pet households tend to reduce stress and anxiety and foster healthy inter-species behavior.
• Again, do you have the patience to introduce a new pet? Can you take time off to be with your pets during this transition process? New pet’s cannot be brought home and placed down in the middle of the room and forgotten in a multi-pet household (unless you want the new pet hurt and incur major medical bills).
• There is a two week acclimation period for all new pet’s added to the household. For further information on how to acclimate a new pet into a multi-pet household, click here.

Why are you adopting?

Make a list.

• Oh! She is so cute! I want her. She goes so well with my curtains! Too many pet owners get a pet only to complain that the pet does not fit well with their household lifestyle. Before you adopt, create a list of the activities / questions about your families health, your activities, pet perks (such as playing ball or going for car rides) and pet cons.
• Write in what you expect from your new pet and what you have to offer your new pet. Truth is in the pudding. Identify expectations and remain realistic about the relationship. Compare and see if it can be done. Do you have small children? How will your children react to a new pet? How will the new pet react to your children? Do their personalities go well together or do they clash?
• Not all pets are created equal. If you have children, show them the rules of safe pet conduct: No teasing, pulling, pushing or climbing on animals. You’ll also need to spend ample time with your children in meeting different animals, so you can observe tolerance levels, responsiveness to training and the ability to bounce back from jarring incidents. The pet will tell you if they are up to the task or need to run for their lives.

Overall, pay attention and trust your instincts When you meet a potential new pet, pay attention to your gut. Observe the behavior and health of the animal, and pay close attention to any other signs that could be telling you something. You want to bring home a healthy, happy pet that fits in with your family.

The past year we have had our share of heartbreak, losing our loved ones to various ill’s, from heart problems to old age. A family of 12, we are now down to two. Coming home from work each day, the house seems spiritually quiet and my purpose in life seems to have escaped me, that is, until Baboosi entered our lives.

Drawing her out of her shell wasn’t easy. When we brought her home her first instinct was to hide. She found a good spot away from all of the noisy routines of the day and for the first couple of days just listed to the sounds around her. She came out every once in a while to use the cat box and to eat, but all in all she was very scared. It took all of my might not to pickup her up and kiss and cuddle her, letting her know that it would be ok. But I know that this would do more harm then good. I had to be patient. Letting her come out on her own steam.

After the third day, I periodically went into the room to talk with her. I did not want to violate her space or her security or faith in me, so I did not pet her or touch her. On the 4th day, she came out and laid on the bed with us. We approached her to pet her she ran back to her safe spot. This was remarkable, her coming on the bed. On the the 5th day, she started playing with my toes under the covers. What a surmountable amount of trust. I was finally able to pet her.

The next few weeks Baboos began to show her personality. She loved to run, lay in my Christmas cactus, watch the birds outside my window. She would run up to you with her tail straight up, then bolt as soon as you reached down to pet her. She loved her small mouse, throwing and catching it around the house. Another couple of weeks, she now comes into the bedroom, jumping between my husband and I. She would “plopp” herself down as to announce that she his here and “pay attention to me”. She purred very loudly as we petted her and she loved to get kisses on the head. When she got her fill show would bolt off the bed, as if she had something better to do, her tail strait up in the air – stating her proudness.

After a good couple of months, Baboosi runs the house. She announces herself when she enters a room and runs onto our bed every night to say good night. She has brought a lot of love and noise back into our house and we are very excited that she has welcomed us into her heart.

As I sit upon my porch, looking around enjoying life, I noticed a wobbly baby sparrow jumping on the ground, and then onto a low growing leaf. She snuggled into a small spot, encasing herself in the safety of a large sunflower that was hovering over her, as though protecting her from the onslaughts activity above her. A crow squawked overhead and she hunkered down hiding within the leaves.

I sat throughout the day watching to see if her parents came to her rescue. I noticed in the flower beds that there were numerous babies with their parents, wings flapping and mouths open. Parents were fluttering around finding food and bringing it back to their offspring in numbers. However, for this little babe, nothing. Every time a parental bird stopped nearby, she too flapped her wings and opened her mouth. But unlike the others, there was know-one. It was heart breaking when nature slates one and not another for survival.

This little bundle of joy was not going to survive, unless somone stepped in to help. As we rehabilitated a wild bird before, and already had the knowledge, we decided to take it upon ourselves to help this little one. From sunrise to sunset we went out and fed her. We had to feed her every hour. After a week, she would recognize our movements, and with excitement, she’d jumped onto the railing, flapping her wings, with mouth open waiting for us. Another week went by and she began eating on her own. It did not take her long before she started to fly. It was small at first. Flapping her wings from plant to plant in the front flower garden. Then she went from a plant to a small tree and then from the small tree to the large oak across the street. With each flight her bravery grew and so did our pride.

With each night she flew across our suburbia road to her “sleeping tree”. It is a gigantic oak tree, full of leaves and other sparrows chatting away. Our little baby was growing up. As any parent, we would cringed as fast cars drove by, oblivious to her flying around.

For months, the whole entire summer, we watched her. She became self-sufficient and independent. Awww! We sighed a sign of relief as our baby was now on her way.

As morning broke, we noticed her on our porch. She was excited and happy. In the next breadth she took to flight across the road to her favorite tree. However, this was a memory that would be burned in my mind forever. As she flew low, a fast car came around the corner and hit her head on. She had no chance. The person driving, oblivious to this little life around them, continued on.

It broke my heart to have to bury this innocent soul. I often was asked the question of whether or not the fate of this tiny bird was slated at birth and was I was only extending the inevitable?

Someone asked me, if it was worth it. I stated with absolute clarity, “Yes”. Our existence effects others lives and create ripples that can be felt throughout time.” Although her life was short, she filled ours and will never be forgotten.

I have an assortment of bird feeders, chipmunk feeding stations, bath areas, wood piles and lots and lots of flowers, trees, and bushes for rabbits, possums, bees, birds and butterflies. One might say that I love nature and my yard shows it. However, I also have, a bordering neighbor who tends to put out traps, bird reflection devices, and poison on the lawn to deter, what they call ‘pests’.  

Speaking of neighbors, I often wonder what goes on in their mind as I set up my ‘natural’ landscapes around my home.  Periodically, we still do the courteous ‘hellos’, but I can almost see the steam coming out of their ears during the greet. 

So, I would love to continue to have my natural landscaped home, however, I feel guilty and saddened that –  where I invite bees, butterflies, chipmunks, and other critters – my neighbors hopes for sterility and a wild free lawn, creating an environment of agonizing death for those that I invite.  

So my dilemma. 

I see only these options,

1. Sell my home and move to a place where there is no people.
2. Give in to the ‘Jones” and mow the place down
3. Keep the place as is in hopes that it will drive the neighbors nuts and they will move.

What do you think?

When I think about last year, I see myself at the beginning glowing with optimism. Life was wonderful.  I had just gotten married, bought a house, great job, wonderful husband, good friends, and loyal family. Life couldn’t seem to get any better. I felt that I was living the American Dream, opportunities available for all those who wanted them and worked for them. Life was good! …. Until, I fiound myself in the midst of the great awakening of 2021 …

Part of this awakening is looking at our humanity. When I talk about humanity, I am talking about beings who have awareness in all things; reflective, intuitive and cognitive. Dalpe believes that it is the abstract that makes us human (Dalpe, 2018). For me, humanity is all about the individual rooted to the natural world; curious, creative and naturally technological. What makes us human is not in our technical applications, per se, but in our ability to form synergistic symphonies with millions of year’s of evolutionary systems innate within our own being; each one being exceptionally unparalleled at what they do.  To have humanity is to find the balance between all of our evolutionary extremes, and shine where we can shine; in our own unique and creative way.  As so eloquently stated, “where reason is balanced perfectly by feelings and where mind and body come together in perfect unity, a whole new quality emerges, a quality that is neither feeling nor reason, but something deeper and more complete” (Ventegodt , Andersen, et. al).  Being Human is having an awareness of ourselves, in all that makes us unique, the good and bad, and through this awareness find our deepest joy of being alive – the symphony of life.

Unfortunately, one of our greatest human attributes, ‘en-framing’, is also our own demise. Humans need to understand what the relationship with technology does to their humanity. As with other human attributes, there needs to be a balance. As Martin Heidegger states, “The relationship will be free if it opens our human existence to the essence of technology”. Once understood, humans “shall be able to experience the technological within its own bounds”, i.e., having tech work for them and not overtake them (Heidegger), thus averting the supplantment of their humanity.

For generations, Humans have moved, either intentionally or un-intentionally, from being a harmonious self-aware individual to that of an unbalanced idiosyncratic human with fervor of for their technological self. Take for example, the current onslaught to get “the shot”, and the abounding scientific renditions, and political plays surrounding the shot and the rush of those to get it. Not only are there big questions of the ethics behind it, but there are so many unanswered questions as so the future consequences. Does it help humans or hinder, does it change our DNA, is their shedding from those that are “vaccinated” and if so does it attack the unvaccinated, does the shot cause sterilization, does it affect the brain with magneto nano particles or biosensors, create 5G distortions, remove creativity (Dalpe). Does it change your behavior, our entire genome (Tennpenny)? What would humans look like in 2 years’ time, 10 years, or 500 years?  How is our evolutionary trajectory changed by this and other subsequent shots?

Yes, this is the most dangerous time in our existence. Not because, of our social, environmental or economic concerns, but we, as humans, are rapidly being instrumentality transformed into biotechnology. So rapidly, in fact, that it will change humanity on the most basic level. And if we don’t learn to balance tech, without it controlling us, we will forever be change us on an evolutionary level.

Up until this point in time there was still hope. Although each generation was being prepped for this technocratic course via chemtrails, fluoridation, injected chemicals, radiated foods, prescription drugs, behavior modification, etc., our human biological systems had a way to flush it and overcome these obstacles by our natural immunities to the onslaught.

Humans are slowly stripping the layers of self-awareness away. Ironically, this leaves us fighting for or own self-identify and a sense of purpose, which we had to begin with but is now lost to us. We now try to fill the void with more tech, drugs, immediate gratification, psychobabble, therapy, hate, consumerism, and want-a-bees. We lost the well rounded, curious and robust nature of ourselves. And the further we get from our humanity, the more confused and inhumane we become.  The more confused and inhumane we become, the less we know how to find our way back and the more psychotic our society becomes.

I have now got my eyes wide open, it is apparent that we are now at the tipping point where individuals must decide if humanity is worth fighting for. It is a human-technocratic dilemma, one of our own making.  The dilemma is, do we fight, or do we rip out out humanity completely, thus evolving us into a Humtechian, as you will?  For once we start down this path, there is no going back, ever.

To be human is partially to understand our place in and around own universe, to experience life in all its colors and all its potential. To celebrate our diversity as individuals. To find strength in ourselves, to celebrate our humaneness – the awe of being alive, delving into our abilities as individuals and the thrill of discovery. Let’s go back to what it means to to truly be ‘human’.

References

Dalpe, Edmund. Dream Duet

Heidegger, Martin. The Question Concerning Technology, Source: The Question Concerning Technology (1977), pp 3–35

Ventegodt S, Andersen NJ, Kromann M, Merrick J. Quality of life philosophy II: what is a human being? ScientificWorldJournal. 2003 Dec 1;3:1176-85. doi: 10.1100/tsw.2003.110. PMID: 14646012; PMCID: PMC5974854.

One such story is of my grandpa Dalrymple. His was a complicated life. He was born into poverty, lived in a poor shack with his family and had many, many, siblings, half siblings and step siblings. His father (my great grandfather)  was a bigamist and would often find himself in trouble with the law; which I will save for another article.

Out of all his children, my grandfather was one that made it in the world – albeit similarly poor to others during that time, including many periods of grief and despair. His other siblings were not so fortunate. Most all dying in asylums, from diseases, or tragic accidents fairly young in life.

I would be the first to admit that Grandpa wasn’t perfect, as he himself often got into trouble by the law; but I can’t help respect his determination and feverish individualistic attitude to try to make a better life for him and his small family by whatever means possible.

One thing that my father often talks about is how grandpa loved the horses. No I don’t mean to bet on. He loved taking care of horses, and, according to my father, it is what something that grandpa was very good at.  Yes, my grandfather was a farmer and they rented a little plot of land with just the basics. Dad often said that they had to bring in water from the well, gather eggs, milk cows, and harvest the crops. They had pigs, chickens, roosters, ducks, horses, and cows. It is like a fantasy out of an old storybook. But that was far from the truth. It was a hard life.  Still, at 88, my father, reminds us that, “they had nothing, but everything”. Unfortunately, I only knew my grandfather from the stories that were told.  Some good and some bad.

A story that I do remember is that, although grandpa lived a life close to the soil, there were needs that needed to be met to support an ever growing family. So to supplement that income, grandpa, in the 1940s, with his great aptitude for horse sense, got a job as a caretaker for those horses that were pulling the barges up and down the Erie Canal. The days were long and the pay was small, but, as my dad once said “one does what one needs to survive”.  Something that he said he learned from his father, and something that wanted to pass onto his children.

To be continued …

It is as if I was here, but not. I felt like I was going through the emotions of daily life but had a disconnect to it. Cliche, I know. But, for me, there was an overwhelming realization that my childhood security was gone. Mom, who cradled me in her arms when I was sick, as well as being my confidant, and my sounding board, was gone. I cried, knowing that I would no longer hear her voice giving me advice. Whether good or bad, she loved me unconditionally – for when it really mattered most, she was there – to help weather the emotional storms.

My husband devotedly has been by my side during my grieving process, yet the depth of my grief was all absorbing, thereby creating a rift between us. I refused to allow anyone in, including him –the only one who has been the most supportive during this grieving process. Yet, I was determined to grieve the life I had with my mother alone; as the relationship that I had with her was exclusively mine. A life deeply bound, not only by my childhood, or the 10 years of taking care of her at home, but also with a magical and soulful connection to her now that she is gone, –which cannot be felt or understood by anyone else.

Care-giving Was Not In My Life Plans

The care, and then the untimely and angered death of my mother, quickly brought to the forefront I and my husband’s own life ending fears. We chatted for endless hours on how the system failed her and how the much her children meant to her in her time of need. My care-giving role with my mother was not something that I applied for – it was something that slowly progressed over the years. It started off with small things like, “when you are at the store pick me up a carton of milk” to “can you vacuum the rug before you leave”. As years passed, I found myself sorting out moms meds and making sure she went to all of her doctors appointments. Still more years and I found myself counseling her on daily activities, paying bills, comforting her on her independence loss struggles, and making sure that she ate and cleaned herself. Eventually I quit my job to take care of her full time.

It just happened, without forethought – it was as natural as breathing. I took the lead and became in charge of my moms emotional, health and financial well being and took on the serious roll of making sure that she was not taken advantage of by the health care industry or by the current societal social isolation craze of COVID.

Being the first born and a female, there was an unsaid and underlying expression of expectation that I would take on this care-taking role in the future. However, it was not always so apparent to me when I was younger. I was very independent and most often went my own way throughout life not wanting anything to do with my parents. Visiting her and my dad once every so often was the norm – and I was happy with that. Later in life, this youthful independent excursion became a sore subject with my siblings, as I now know that they often felt a sense of abandonment. It seems that they counted on me more than I realized. This issue often came to the forefront at family gatherings when I tried to rally “the troops” into helping to care for our mom. “Lori you were never there.” “Lori you were off having fun and left us alone”. True some of it was sibling pet peeves, but when it really came down to it, I was the one who could handle the bulk of our mother’s extensive handicap and emotional needs later in her life.

An Emotional Roller Coaster

Mom, who was born in 1940, became known as “Plucky Patty” due to her uncanny ability of being “high spirited and cheerful” in the most extreme of circumstances. She was most proud of her ability to live a ‘normal’ life after her leg was amputated at the young age of 7 in 1947. Her words, not mine. She wanted to be normal so bad that later in life, when she could no-longer do things we take for granted, and her body began to breakdown, mom often neglected herself and left others in the dark about her true medical and emotional needs. Mom was always good at hiding her most inner feelings and medical needs. The once active and spitfire girl began to fade and mom became depressed and wheelchair bound, only to end up in extreme daily pain from severe arthritis in her hands, arms, feet, back, legs and neck.

As I look back to those care-giving years spent with my mother, I sadly realized that I denied my husband the greatest of possibilities – children. This doubled my grief and created emotional storms between my husband and I, along with anger issues with other family members; which, given time, I hope to recover from. However, there still lies an underlying sadness on all sides– not only towards each other by decisions that were made, but also towards the loss of children and a future that will never be.

Moms care-taking created an emotional roller coaster. In the first place, full time care of an elderly parent takes a toll on a caretakers health and mental well-being. There was no way to hold town a full time job outside of care-giving.

When I first started taking care of mom I lacked important information about her health and medical needs. I had to spend hours researching her disease, looking over her medical records, looking up dietary needs and making special dinners that were balanced. I talked with and went to all of her doctors appointments – making sure she was not dismissed or misunderstood. Often times I found doctors prescribed medications that interacted with her other health issues – which I had to often bring to light (after researching each). For example; prescribing drugs that would aggravate her kidney disease – because they did not check her history before prescribing. I also had to fight for her rights to refuse the COVID shots as the doctors were pushing it – even without it being tested with the elderly population. It was amazing how little the doctors know about elder care. However, we did finally found one, who was a godsend. With others concerns were often ignored for most elderly patients. Most times it was pop another pill, sit them in a chair and let them be. Yep, that just about covers it. Most times for me it was fighting the system to get the care that mom wanted and needed.

Secondly, taking care of my mom absorbed me completely. It was a full time job; one that had me on autopilot. I lived, breathed and spent all of my time providing care to my mom; one crisis to another, playing games with her to keep her active and happy and counseling her so she does not become depressed. I felt my life was on hold and everything was up in the air because of my care-giving responsibilities. But I did not know how to stop or balance out the care-taking role with my mom with my own husband/family needs. So, I often came home after a long day at moms mentally and physically exhausted. Only to start another day of the same care tomorrow. It wasn’t so much a conscious choice, but one driven by unconditional love of my mom, along with her wishes to remain at home, the circumstances of me working remotely, and not having any kids at the time. It was also in my siblings persuasive voice of needing to relieve themselves of the enormous task in taking care of our mother by psychologically persuading me to do it with statements like, “you don’t have any kids, so you can do it.”, “you have no responsibilities and I do …” or “you owe us”. Being the oldest and a caretaker, did not help my situation, as my brothers and sisters could just pickup and leave, expecting me to pickup the slack.

Thirdly, it wasn’t something that happened overnight. My care-giving tasks and responsibilities increase with time. At the time, I wanted to do it all – I felt I had to. But felt there was no recognition for such an act, unappreciated with all of my efforts – by my husband, and other family members.

My natural instincts was a desire to “be everything” with my mom. Yet by doing so, it resulted with me giving up my own life, resulting in physical health decline and emotional distress. The stress of making the right choices in another one’s care was tremendous. Especially someone that you deeply love, that is depending on you and is a parent. Adding to the stress was the anger between my husband and I, and my siblings and I and the anger between my siblings and my husband. Main goal was to keep all of this stress away from my mother – which created more stress.

Not once, did I ask for help. I just plowed away and kept going. Don’t ask me how, I just did.

Working Through the Grief

So now, months after her death, and in reflection, there is a timely concern about the future care of my husband and I when we have no children and no support group. Yes, believe it or not, we survived. Anxiety over the future has now gotten us asking the most important of questions, ‘what is going to happen to us as we get older and age’ and ‘who is going to be there and act in our interests when we need help the most’. Mom had me. But again the fault of my mother’s care-taking cutting away at the possibilities for my own family and our future care is undeniably mine. There is no guilt for taking care of her, but only in that it let it so absorb me that I sacrificed my own family and my future for her care. Now I have to live with this sacrifice.

Undeniably, there are many feelings that still overwhelm me; the loss of identity, self punishment, regret, betrayal, rejection, un-surety, and loss of future all add to the grief. Each day feels like I just exist. Where do I fit in? Who am I? What do I do with my life? How do I make an impact? Who is going to be speaking up for me when I get old?

My mother had four children – proud of each and every one of them. At times I hear how people just want to have abortions and and get rid of children – using it as a contraceptive. I don’t think they realize that they are losing their chance for a support group later on in life. How disposable children seem at times. But how much I would give to have at least one. Women with children do not know how special they are to have children.

So, in 30 years, if I am a widow, who will really care about me to look after my interests. My brothers and I are strained and my sister and I are opposites in our health care thinking, nieces and nephews are non-existent. There is no one who will care about me. Especially now, during the COVID scare – creating unnecessary issues of loneliness and isolation in the lives of our elderly populations.

End of Part I. 

Balancing individual needs while working as a team player can be extremely exhausting, and, finding a balance between both (ying and yang), seems almost impossible. One thing is, is that I find myself always struggling to find time for just ‘me’. That is, until recently, when, I decided enough is enough and I started to take back control of my own life.

The turning point for me came down to realizations;

1. that if, I remained in this state of unbalance for any extended time, I would end up like many others before me, who, have, become bitter; neglecting themselves (physically and mentally) playing the passive role, rather than an equal one. Giving in, rather than, question and assert their rights within their family, work, and societal circles.
2. that my nature is both a blessing and a curse. Knowing that my nature can put my self in jeopardy; i.e., taken for a ride (whether intentional or not) by all those around me. How not to let them, but keeping the relationship intact, was important. It all comes down to being a fine line between letting others take advantage (being part of the team) and keeping my individualism. In order to maintain the balance, I realized that I had to set my own rules; and follow through – with tact and understanding, but also firmness of course.

My husband once said to me, that ‘finding oneself’ is as easy as saying ‘no’. I have no problem saying, ‘no’. But personally I think it is much more complicated than that. At least for me. I say no, but then the groupthink, compliant and care-taking side of me takes over, the guilt sets in and I give it up anyway. Which creates even more tension, – as I feel guilty for feeling guilty – and because it is not what I want to do. Round I go. For me, it is the conflict between my inherent nature to be ‘a pleaser’ alongside my tendency to ‘just wanting to be left alone’. Both are often at odds with each other, also creating enormous tension within myself, which reflects in my interactions with my family, work, and society in general. It is almost like the Jeckle/Hyde scenario; where I am ‘calm and loving’ then quickly turn to ‘leave me alone if you know what is good for you’ attitude. It took me a a long time to find that happy balance tween the two – finally finding that inner peace.

As not to get too much into the philosophy behind individualism vs collectivism, as that discussion will be archived for later, I just wanted to mention an observation, that it seems that persons who have a compliant and/or groupthink disposition appears to be inherently feminine. I know it seems sexist, but just wanted to put it out there.  Maybe there is something to that female/male, yin/yang thinking.  Check out my next blog for this philosophical discussion.

Back to realty, into what I did to get my mojo back ….  .   First things first. Lots and lots of inner reflection. In order to do this, I had to strongly request that I have some quality time to myself. Family members need to understand that you need this to find strength and balance. Work will have to realize that A few hours a week, just mine, undisturbed. Scheduled time was important. Whether, I laid in bed reflecting, went out to the movies with friends, or just read a book, — or in my case, meditation and writing — is important. This not only helped me recharge my batteries, but it also helped me to think clearly. 

Secondly, my dreams were the