I am not sure about you, but recently I have been reverting back to feeling lost and unsure of myself –just wanting to coil up, and relinquish control; as to not rock the boat, so to speak. One thing for sure, I am tired of all the drama. Trying to juggle work, family, and social expectations, leaving little time for my own individual needs or goals. Something that I have been craving for months now. Daily life has me being pulled in all different directions, with everyone wanting a piece. Now it seems that my life is no longer my own, but what others expect and want me to be.
Balancing individual needs while working as a team player can be extremely exhausting, and, finding a balance between both (ying and yang), seems almost impossible. One thing is, is that I find myself always struggling to find time for just ‘me’. That is, until recently, when, I decided enough is enough and I started to take back control of my own life.
The turning point for me came down to realizations;
- that if, I remained in this state of unbalance for any extended time, I would end up like many others before me, who, have, become bitter; neglecting themselves (physically and mentally) playing the passive role, rather than an equal one. Giving in, rather than, question and assert their rights within their family, work, and societal circles.
- that my nature is both a blessing and a curse. Knowing that my nature can put my self in jeopardy; i.e., taken for a ride (whether intentional or not) by all those around me. How not to let them, but keeping the relationship intact, was important. It all comes down to being a fine line between letting others take advantage (being part of the team) and keeping my individualism. In order to maintain the balance, I realized that I had to set my own rules; and follow through – with tact and understanding, but also firmness of course.
My husband once said to me, that ‘finding oneself’ is as easy as saying ‘no’. I have no problem saying, ‘no’. But personally I think it is much more complicated than that. At least for me. I say no, but then the groupthink, compliant and care-taking side of me takes over, the guilt sets in and I give it up anyway. Which creates even more tension, – as I feel guilty for feeling guilty – and because it is not what I want to do. Round I go. For me, it is the conflict between my inherent nature to be ‘a pleaser’ alongside my tendency to ‘just wanting to be left alone’. Both are often at odds with each other, also creating enormous tension within myself, which reflects in my interactions with my family, work, and society in general. It is almost like the Jeckle/Hyde scenario; where I am ‘calm and loving’ then quickly turn to ‘leave me alone if you know what is good for you’ attitude. It took me a a long time to find that happy balance tween the two – finally finding that inner peace.
As not to get too much into the philosophy behind individualism vs collectivism, as that discussion will be archived for later, I just wanted to mention an observation, that it seems that persons who have a compliant and/or groupthink disposition appears to be inherently feminine. I know it seems sexist, but just wanted to put it out there. Maybe there is something to that female/male, yin/yang thinking. Check out my next blog for this philosophical discussion.
Back to realty, into what I did to get my mojo back …. . First things first. Lots and lots of inner reflection. In order to do this, I had to strongly request that I have some quality time to myself. Family members need to understand that you need this to find strength and balance. Work will have to realize that A few hours a week, just mine, undisturbed. Scheduled time was important. Whether, I laid in bed reflecting, went out to the movies with friends, or just read a book, — or in my case, meditation and writing — is important. This not only helped me recharge my batteries, but it also helped me to think clearly.
Secondly, my dreams were the